Change 1
The first change would be to become more open with my children. Right now I have a two year old, but as he grows, I want him to feel comfortable to talk with me about most anything.
I think this would improve our family all around. It would improve communication, our relationship with one another, and allow our family to function better. I think parents that are open and honest with their children have better relationships with each other. If my son and I feel comfortable communicating about most subjects, we will have a better relationship.
In chapter six of our textbook, parent-child relationships are discussed. Parents that are nurturing and supportive obtain more disclosure from their children (147). If I continue to be a nurturing parent, my son will be more likely to talk and communicate with me. The hardest part as a parent is to create a middle ground of closeness and independence (147). This is where most kids shut their parents out. It is important to continue to be supportive, to give them confirmation, to just simply talk and communicate with each other.
On Jeni’s web-page, she says that her family is very close. They are able to talk to each other about anything and she can go to her parents whenever she wants. She says that one way they stay close is to attend important events such as sporting events and academic events. This is a way of showing support, which kids need to have to create closeness and openness.
Jeni also reported in her family research project that her mom said that communication is very important to any family. Talking is the best way to stay connected with your kids.
Ashley also talks about her family being open with each other. They can share their opinions openly. If we continue to be a family that is open with each other, we will feel free to share our thoughts and lives.
Change 2
Another change would be to better communicate with my husband. I would try to be more open to his ideas and opinions, and take them into consideration. This would affect all aspects of our marriage including our communication, our relationship, and our family functioning.
This would benefit Jake and me enormously, especially if he tried to do the same in return. It would allow us to be more open with each other and maybe let us better understand each other and our ideas. This may lead to less fights, (all couples fight, I didn’t mean that we fight all of the time or anything!) better ideas since we will be hearing another set of ideas instead of only our own, it may even lead to us respecting each other more since we will take the time to listen and learn.
I would try to implement this change by simply being more aware of how I am listening to Jake’s ideas and to actually take them into consideration. I tend to think that my way is the best way, but that isn’t always the case. In chapter six, the authors stated that confirmation is one key to a happy and successful marriage. Confirmation includes recognition, dialogue, and acceptance. Using more dialogue may be what I am looking for. It includes asking that other person what they think and being open with ideas and opinions. Accepting would also play a role because that includes avoiding judging and interpreting. It is listening to each side and not making any harsh decisions or judgments.
On Ashley’s web-page, she says that her family is a traditional type. To a point, Jake and I are as well, but we need to work on respecting each others opinions. There are just some things that we can’t talk about together, such as politics, because they just end in an argument.
According to Stacey’s web-page, Jake and I need to also become more conversation oriented. Being conversation oriented we would be able to talk through our issues and not get into arguments. We would be able to resolve our problems through talking and not yelling or silence. If we say what we feel and not hold it in, we would be better able to talk calmly that have it all built up inside us.
Change three
The third change would be to work on fitting in couple time. This is found in chapter five of our text book (112). Jake and I are very family focused, but at the same time we need time for just us, and we don’t do that enough. This would include doing things that Jake and I love to do such as golfing in the summer. This is called togetherness; time that we as a couple spend together (113).
This would improve our relationship by becoming closer to each other. The greater the variety of things you can do together, the more fun. I always love Jake, but when we are having fun together, I feel closer to him; like we are bonding (I know that sounds funny).
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Our House
Our house is very open and inviting. You walk into a small entry way that contains a coat tree and mat for your shoes. We do not allow shoes past the door on most occasions.
Our family room is to the left and the dining room is straight ahead. Past the dining room is the kitchen. Off of the dining room is the bathroom, stairs to the upstairs, and a storage clocet. All closed off by doors. Off the kitchen is the laundry room and computer room. There is also a bedroom/toyroom off of the kitchen as well. That is the only room that is not open to the rest of the downstairs.
When you walk up the stairs, you come right into the back bedroom that also has a half bath. There is another bedroom in the front of the house.
Since our house is very open, it allows us to talk to each other pretty much wherever we are. We are also only a family of three, so a smaller house works great for us.
Our house is decorated to suit both Jake and my taste. Our furniture in the family room is very comfortable and inviting, and our dining room table is rustic and country looking. It is all very inviting and simple in a way. This allows our guests to feel comfortable and not afraid to sit down. It is also great for communication in our own family. We are comfortable in our own house and feel that it is ours.
We have set boundaries outside our home by puting up a privacy fence that sets a limit for our child and dog. It also does exactly what it says it does, creates privacy. We also have dead-bolts on all of our exterior doors. The book talked alot about security systems and buzzers, but the one safetly device that creates the best boundary for me with a possible intruder is my hand-gun that is obviously kept locked, but I am able to get to it quickly.
We do not have many boundaries with in our home. We have friends and family stopping over all of the time and we enjoy that.
We are an isomorphic fit becuae we fit with each other as well as our environment. Our house is an open floor plan which creates great communication flow as has great spots for open communication. We have nice soft carpet in our family room that is great for playing on and reading stories, while that rest of the house has hard wood floors.
Our family room is to the left and the dining room is straight ahead. Past the dining room is the kitchen. Off of the dining room is the bathroom, stairs to the upstairs, and a storage clocet. All closed off by doors. Off the kitchen is the laundry room and computer room. There is also a bedroom/toyroom off of the kitchen as well. That is the only room that is not open to the rest of the downstairs.
When you walk up the stairs, you come right into the back bedroom that also has a half bath. There is another bedroom in the front of the house.
Since our house is very open, it allows us to talk to each other pretty much wherever we are. We are also only a family of three, so a smaller house works great for us.
Our house is decorated to suit both Jake and my taste. Our furniture in the family room is very comfortable and inviting, and our dining room table is rustic and country looking. It is all very inviting and simple in a way. This allows our guests to feel comfortable and not afraid to sit down. It is also great for communication in our own family. We are comfortable in our own house and feel that it is ours.
We have set boundaries outside our home by puting up a privacy fence that sets a limit for our child and dog. It also does exactly what it says it does, creates privacy. We also have dead-bolts on all of our exterior doors. The book talked alot about security systems and buzzers, but the one safetly device that creates the best boundary for me with a possible intruder is my hand-gun that is obviously kept locked, but I am able to get to it quickly.
We do not have many boundaries with in our home. We have friends and family stopping over all of the time and we enjoy that.
We are an isomorphic fit becuae we fit with each other as well as our environment. Our house is an open floor plan which creates great communication flow as has great spots for open communication. We have nice soft carpet in our family room that is great for playing on and reading stories, while that rest of the house has hard wood floors.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Family Stressor
A major stressor in my family was when I got pregnant at 19. Oops!
It seemed to effect my whole family including:
Boyfriend at the time, Jake, now husband
My Mom, Penny
My Dad, Dan
My sister, Carrie
My brother, Jesse
Sister-in-law Liz
And obviously Jake's family but I would be typing forever if I typed out all of them down.
This happened a little over three years ago and has effected multiple generations. Our parents are now grandparents and our grandparents are now great-grandparents.
I would consider this a horizontal stressor because it was an unpredictable event and it effected myself and my immediate famly, but not beyond that. It also was an interuption in the life cycle.
Our famly did experience some of the stages of grief during the crisis.
Shock: Everyone was shocked, my Mom most of all, and it took everyone a long time to openly talk about it.
Recoil: My Dad definately did a lot of blaming, not in front of me, but the blame was there. He was also very mad at the whole situation.
Depression: I do not believe that it got to the point where anyone was depressed.
Reorganization: Once everyone accepted the fact that there was a baby on the way, it was a joyous event that my whole family shared in.
My family didn't seem to use any of the coping methods.
It seemed to effect my whole family including:
Boyfriend at the time, Jake, now husband
My Mom, Penny
My Dad, Dan
My sister, Carrie
My brother, Jesse
Sister-in-law Liz
And obviously Jake's family but I would be typing forever if I typed out all of them down.
This happened a little over three years ago and has effected multiple generations. Our parents are now grandparents and our grandparents are now great-grandparents.
I would consider this a horizontal stressor because it was an unpredictable event and it effected myself and my immediate famly, but not beyond that. It also was an interuption in the life cycle.
Our famly did experience some of the stages of grief during the crisis.
Shock: Everyone was shocked, my Mom most of all, and it took everyone a long time to openly talk about it.
Recoil: My Dad definately did a lot of blaming, not in front of me, but the blame was there. He was also very mad at the whole situation.
Depression: I do not believe that it got to the point where anyone was depressed.
Reorganization: Once everyone accepted the fact that there was a baby on the way, it was a joyous event that my whole family shared in.
My family didn't seem to use any of the coping methods.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Unit $our
I would say Jake uses the normative resource power base. Jake and I each have our areas that we are in charge of, and that gives us power over them. Jake and I are a traditional family where he is the main breadwinner and I stat at home with our son. That gives us both power in different ways. Even though Jake is the main income, he never treats it like it is his own. It is the families money to be used where necessary.
This is a very successful way to use power because I think it gives each person a sense of power in some area. It spreads the power out.
Our famili is conversational. We talk about everything, even if it may cause an argument. We think that it is important to be open and honest and talk about what is on your mind.
Even though Carter is only 2, we still include him in our conversations because that is one way that he learns to talk. We listen to what he has to say even if it doesn't make any sense to us!!
I think Jake and I have become more converstional over time. My family was conversational as well, but Jake's was not. He and his brother had no say in anything and were on the backburner most of the time. So it was harder for Jake to share his feelings and what he thought with me.
We are now conversational and we have some totally different opinions and views, but that is ok and we will teach our kids to also be open and conversational.
Being conversational is very successful in our family. Sometimes being open can cause arguments, but they are srguments that need to happen to get past our differences.
This is a very successful way to use power because I think it gives each person a sense of power in some area. It spreads the power out.
Our famili is conversational. We talk about everything, even if it may cause an argument. We think that it is important to be open and honest and talk about what is on your mind.
Even though Carter is only 2, we still include him in our conversations because that is one way that he learns to talk. We listen to what he has to say even if it doesn't make any sense to us!!
I think Jake and I have become more converstional over time. My family was conversational as well, but Jake's was not. He and his brother had no say in anything and were on the backburner most of the time. So it was harder for Jake to share his feelings and what he thought with me.
We are now conversational and we have some totally different opinions and views, but that is ok and we will teach our kids to also be open and conversational.
Being conversational is very successful in our family. Sometimes being open can cause arguments, but they are srguments that need to happen to get past our differences.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Parent Interview Project
Parent Interview Project
Below I have parents that I interviewed. I chose these particular parents because it gave me a wide range of age, gender and I even chose a colleague that had adopted her children to possibly get a different perspective, and I did!
Who I Interviewed
1. Jake Shull- 23 years old, Caucasian, Part of the Working Middle Class and has one son, Carter whom is two.
2. Penny Sholl- 54 years old, Caucasian, Part of the Middle Class, has three children ages 28, 25, and 22.
3. Carrie Cox- 36 years old, Caucasian, Part of the Middle Class to Lower Class, has three daughter ages 17, 13, and 11.
4. Donna Brown- 47 years old, Caucasian, Part of the Middle Class, has two adopted children ages 13 and 11.
Have Things Changed Over Time?
Even though I did interview parents of different age and with children at different ages, I came to the conclusion on all of their interviews that they don’t think that much has changed over time. The only interview that brought up something that changed was Carrie. She stated that she thought our culture and society has become more sexual and that the sex is acceptable to the public.
When I asked a question about if they think we are living in turbulent times, I had two that said no and two that said yes. One parent that said no gave the reasoning that every age or generation has problems and this one is no more turbulent that others. One parent that said yes supported her answer with the worry and scare that our country is moving away from good morals that should be taught to all humans; Family morals and even Biblical morals.
Different Definitions of Family
I thought everyone had the same definition of family. I was wrong!! Each person that I interviewed had different definitions, but I will only talk about two. Donna is the parent that adopted her children and gave me a more unique answer than the other three. To her, “Family is people who are committed to each other, to love and respect each other, who work together for a common goal and a common existence.” Donna said that had she not adopted her children, then her definition would have been more biological. She said her definition of family changed when she realized that families can be made in many different ways.
Penny had a different answer than Donna. She said that, “Family is a group of people that are related by blood or marriage.” This is a biological answer as opposed to Donna’s. Carrie made a unique comment when she said that people who can physically have children think of family, they think biological; but if you were unable to have children, and had to take another route, your definition of family changes, just as Donna’s did.
Effective Parenting
I chose to interview parents of different age so that I could get different points of view. When it came to an effective parent, they all said the exact thing first, and of course, they were all joking. I first interviewed Jake. When asked what makes an effective parent, the first thing that he said, “someone who beats their children.” Once again he was joking. But when I interviewed Penny, Carrie, and Donna, they all said the exact thing. Even though they all said it jokingly, I was amazed to see the connection. As they each went on they all also had similar answers to the question. So on this topic, I don’t think that much has changed over time. They all said that an effective parent is someone who: * Teaches their children to be responsible and productive
* Who listens without being overbearing or judgmental
* Who gives unconditional love and support
* Who sets guidelines that are consistent
Discussion in Families
Each parent that I interviewed said the same topics when I asked what they talk about as a family when they are all together with one exception. Some topics were:
· How everybody’s day was
· What they did that day
· Talking about work
· Venting about work
· How school was
· Issues in the world
The one difference in topics is that Penny said that they do not talk about politics much with each other because her and her husband are at different ends of the string. Which isn’t a bad thing, but usually it escalades into a heated discussion that isn’t pleasant to have. They both know that, so they limit their discussion on politics. On the other hand, Carrie has children that still live at home, and she and her husband make a point to talk about politics and things that are happening around the world. She says the main reason is so her children stay informed on what is going on.
Along with this question, I asked where the most communication took place in their family. Three of the parents that I interviewed said, “At the dinner table.” Their reason for this is that it is a set time that the whole family tries to get together each day to tell what they did and to just talk. Carrie, on the other hand, has a daughter that is a teenager that drives and that is involved in sports, so she said they communicate on the phone quite a bit whether it is calling or texting.
Parenting Stresses
Once again, all four of the patents that I interviewed had the majority of the same stresses as parents. The difference came with the age their children. For example, Penny’s children are all grown-up, but one of her biggest stresses was siblings arguing and dealing with teenagers. This was different for Jake because he only has a two year old.
Some of the stresses that all four parents said were:
Money: being able to pay the bills and support your family
Being a good parent while also working
When a child is hurt or sick
They all also said that they cope with it by talking it over with a spouse or friend and supporting each other emotionally when they are stressed.
Final Words
It was very interesting to me to do these interviews, and surprisingly enough, the parents said they enjoyed it because it made them really think. I also was surprised to see how similar the answers were across the board. I had thought that there would be more diversity it the answers, but I was obviously wrong. This interview also made me think more about what makes a family and in what ways I want to improve as a parent.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Unit three
Gender Socialization
Jake and I have different views on some ways to raise our son, Carter. When it comes to gender socialization, we have a couple different opinions. Jake wants Carter to be all boy. He wears cowboy boots and loves to do “boy things”. And I think all of those things are great as well, but when Carter started playing with his stuffed animals like you would with a baby doll, my mom bought him a baby doll. Jake flipped out. He told Carter that babies are for girls. We talked in over and he isn’t as bad now, and Carter has a baby doll at our house now too.
I don’t like the distinction between girl things and boy things. I love to be outside and to go for hikes in the woods and go camping, but when I was in Girl Scouts, all we did was girly things, until my mom took over our troop. But it was like since we are girls we have to make crafts and learn how to bake.
So we try to give Carter a wide spectrum of activities that he is involved in so that he can choose the ones he likes, not only the ones that he is supposed to do.
Nurturing and Support
Our family is quite alike to what is described in the nurturing part of the book. I have stayed at home with our son since he was born, and Jake worked. So I definitely saw and still do see Carter more. Even though I see Carter more, he still has a great relationship with his dad.
Jake and I are very loving and nurturing people. Carter is a snuggle bug because we have loved on him and snuggled with him since he was born, and I am so glad that we did because now at 2, he still loves to snuggle and love on you.
Jake and I are both very supportive of each other. We obviously have our moments where we just don’t care or don’t want to listen, but that just means that we are in a bad mood! Since Carter is only two, Jake and I do our best to listen and understand whatever he wants to talk about and help him in any way that we can.
My family was very close growing up and we were are still are able to talk and listen as well as support. Jake’s family was the opposite. They are not close and his parents never wanted to take the time to listen. So since Jake knows what that is like, he tries extra hard to always be there for Carter and says that he is going to be a better dad than his was.
Individual Development
· With Carter at two years old, Jake and I are getting to see him become his own person. He now has his own:
o Personality
o Opinions
o Ideas of what is right and wrong
o Sense of self
· We have also let Carter become self reliant. He is able to pick out what movie he wants to watch or what he wants to eat for lunch. Even though those seem like little things, they are steps to becoming independent.
Maintenance and Management
Jake and I try to include all of our extended family in important family events such as birthdays, baptisms, holidays, and our extended family does the same in return. Jake and I try to split our duties up when it comes to our families.
First, when we are having an event or holiday, Jake calls his family and I call mine.
We also split our Holidays with our extended families. Thanksgiving is with Jake’s family and Easter is with mine. Then we work Christmas out on a yearly basis.
When is comes to family management, all I have to say is that Jake would be screwed if I died. He doesn’t want to know about things and I am happy, at least about most things that he doesn’t care about them. Jake is our main income. He gives me his paycheck every Thursday and I take care of all of our bills, payments, etc. When Jake isn’t home, I obviously do all of the child care. But when Jake is home, he and Carter are connected at the hip, so Jake helps a lot.
Now that Carter is older, we have started camping as a family, which is something that we all look forward to. Carter loves it so much that he and his dad will set the tent up in the back yard and he will play in it all day.
Basic Needs
I actually got my first part-time job since Carter was born, one for my own spending money and two to get some experience under my belt. Jake has supported or family for years and is continuing to do so, but my money pays for our extras. Like this month our extra is that we are buying new ceiling fans. Nothing major, but it all adds up.
So right now I am an IPFW student, a mom of a two year old and have a part time job. I wouldn’t say that my work per say spills over, but the stress of having so much going on now that I have a job spills over into family time. I try to do it all but have realized that if the dishes don’t get done, it will all be ok.
Couple Type
I would classify Jake and I as traditionals. We both plat traditional roles in our family, we are interdependent, and we try to avoid conflict by being pro-active in our relationship.
Conflict Type
Right now in Jake and my relationship, I would consider us a validating conflict style. We do try to listen to each other and respect each others opinions and views. We agree on most basic issues and those that we do not agree on we figure something out that we both like.
Family Type
Our Family is an open family. We are very family oriented but not to the point that we can’t do things apart and in different ways. It is important to try new things whether together or apart, but to always come back together. Each of us will grow and change, so there needs to be some room to wiggle for each of us. And not only will our kids grow, but Jake and I will grow as well.
Jake and I have different views on some ways to raise our son, Carter. When it comes to gender socialization, we have a couple different opinions. Jake wants Carter to be all boy. He wears cowboy boots and loves to do “boy things”. And I think all of those things are great as well, but when Carter started playing with his stuffed animals like you would with a baby doll, my mom bought him a baby doll. Jake flipped out. He told Carter that babies are for girls. We talked in over and he isn’t as bad now, and Carter has a baby doll at our house now too.
I don’t like the distinction between girl things and boy things. I love to be outside and to go for hikes in the woods and go camping, but when I was in Girl Scouts, all we did was girly things, until my mom took over our troop. But it was like since we are girls we have to make crafts and learn how to bake.
So we try to give Carter a wide spectrum of activities that he is involved in so that he can choose the ones he likes, not only the ones that he is supposed to do.
Nurturing and Support
Our family is quite alike to what is described in the nurturing part of the book. I have stayed at home with our son since he was born, and Jake worked. So I definitely saw and still do see Carter more. Even though I see Carter more, he still has a great relationship with his dad.
Jake and I are very loving and nurturing people. Carter is a snuggle bug because we have loved on him and snuggled with him since he was born, and I am so glad that we did because now at 2, he still loves to snuggle and love on you.
Jake and I are both very supportive of each other. We obviously have our moments where we just don’t care or don’t want to listen, but that just means that we are in a bad mood! Since Carter is only two, Jake and I do our best to listen and understand whatever he wants to talk about and help him in any way that we can.
My family was very close growing up and we were are still are able to talk and listen as well as support. Jake’s family was the opposite. They are not close and his parents never wanted to take the time to listen. So since Jake knows what that is like, he tries extra hard to always be there for Carter and says that he is going to be a better dad than his was.
Individual Development
· With Carter at two years old, Jake and I are getting to see him become his own person. He now has his own:
o Personality
o Opinions
o Ideas of what is right and wrong
o Sense of self
· We have also let Carter become self reliant. He is able to pick out what movie he wants to watch or what he wants to eat for lunch. Even though those seem like little things, they are steps to becoming independent.
Maintenance and Management
Jake and I try to include all of our extended family in important family events such as birthdays, baptisms, holidays, and our extended family does the same in return. Jake and I try to split our duties up when it comes to our families.
First, when we are having an event or holiday, Jake calls his family and I call mine.
We also split our Holidays with our extended families. Thanksgiving is with Jake’s family and Easter is with mine. Then we work Christmas out on a yearly basis.
When is comes to family management, all I have to say is that Jake would be screwed if I died. He doesn’t want to know about things and I am happy, at least about most things that he doesn’t care about them. Jake is our main income. He gives me his paycheck every Thursday and I take care of all of our bills, payments, etc. When Jake isn’t home, I obviously do all of the child care. But when Jake is home, he and Carter are connected at the hip, so Jake helps a lot.
Now that Carter is older, we have started camping as a family, which is something that we all look forward to. Carter loves it so much that he and his dad will set the tent up in the back yard and he will play in it all day.
Basic Needs
I actually got my first part-time job since Carter was born, one for my own spending money and two to get some experience under my belt. Jake has supported or family for years and is continuing to do so, but my money pays for our extras. Like this month our extra is that we are buying new ceiling fans. Nothing major, but it all adds up.
So right now I am an IPFW student, a mom of a two year old and have a part time job. I wouldn’t say that my work per say spills over, but the stress of having so much going on now that I have a job spills over into family time. I try to do it all but have realized that if the dishes don’t get done, it will all be ok.
Couple Type
I would classify Jake and I as traditionals. We both plat traditional roles in our family, we are interdependent, and we try to avoid conflict by being pro-active in our relationship.
Conflict Type
Right now in Jake and my relationship, I would consider us a validating conflict style. We do try to listen to each other and respect each others opinions and views. We agree on most basic issues and those that we do not agree on we figure something out that we both like.
Family Type
Our Family is an open family. We are very family oriented but not to the point that we can’t do things apart and in different ways. It is important to try new things whether together or apart, but to always come back together. Each of us will grow and change, so there needs to be some room to wiggle for each of us. And not only will our kids grow, but Jake and I will grow as well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)